I got a new tattoo!
You can read the story behind my first tattoo here.
First, let’s get what “boHia” means out of the way. It stands for, “because of Him i am.” I came across this little acronym after reading my daily devotion Wednesday night. The author of that particular devotion, Michele Dudley, is the founder of Fashion & Compassion. I clicked the link to find out more about this brand and the first thing I saw on the site was their boHia collection.
I clicked to learn more about this collection and when I saw what it stood for, it just hit me in the heart. << because of Him i am >> The power behinds these words just washed over me. I started thinking about all the people that make me, me. Obviously my parents, made me, but other people who have impacted my life.
I think I’ve alluded to issues with anxiety and my past issues with depression on here, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone into detail. All of that is included in the post on my first tattoo, so instead of recapping all of that, I’m going to recommend you read the other post if you care to.
Short version–In 2014, I hit a really low point and seriously considered ending my life. I spent all day at work thinking about it, but the moment I got home, I took one look and Windsor’s face and changed my mind. The paw print is obviously for him. He’s not just a dog. He saved my life and more importantly saved me from myself. I looked at him and knew that he depended on me and relied on me to take care of him and that, along with other things, gave me a reason to live. Without a doubt, that was my lowest point and one of the worst days of my life. I promised myself I would never let myself get back to that place and I have kept my word.
Once I moved past that awful day, I picked up my Bible and really started digging deep into God’s word. Prior to this, I knew Jesus and had been saved, but it had been a while since I had read the Bible and studied it consistently. I knew I was broken and I knew who could put me back together. I turned it all over to Him, the load was too much for me, but He would gladly carry it for me.
The pink ribbon is for my grandma and my babysitter who were taken too soon thanks to breast cancer. My babysitter was like my second mom and was such an important person in my life. The memories I made growing up at her house and the time we spent together is something I will never take for granted. Even after I quit staying at her house, we still did things together like going to dinner or taking day trips to deliver flowers often. She passed away my junior year of high school and I still miss her so much.
My grandma, my dad’s mom, lost her battle with breast cancer my freshman year of college. I definitely get my tell-it-like-it-is and spunk from her. She raised 3 boys and was tough as nails. Cancer was no match for her. She lived far longer than her doctors said she would because she wasn’t the type to sit around and let things happen to her. She wasn’t ready to go, so she fought and held on. She had a tendency to say exactly what she thought with no filter, which was not always a good thing, but you never wondered where her mind was. The same can be said for me. I open my mouth and Louise flies right out. She took no shit, loved hard, and fought the good fight. I strive to be like her every day, just a little more filtered version 😉
When I got my first tattoo, I contemplated a pink ribbon, but didn’t end up getting it so it was a must this time. The first one didn’t hurt too bad, but this one did. I am full aware that tattoos are forever and that’s why I love mine even more. I got my first tattoo in 2015 and I haven’t regretted it a single day. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or in a funk, I can look at my wrist, recite that verse, and feel an instant peace. I’ve only had my new one for 4 days, but I know it will be the same way. I told my friend it’s an ode to the people who saved me.
Tattoos aren’t for everyone and I honestly never thought I would get another one, but I saw “boHia” and it just hit me and I went and got it the next day. They mean a lot to me and are symbolic to my journey. I’ve kept my word to myself and never allowed myself to go back to that dark place of 2014. I’ve had to keep some people at an arms length, leave jobs, and work hard to keep that promise, but it’s all been worth it. My mental health is a priority. I have to work and make a decision to do and be better every single day.
I used to be so ashamed and embarrassed for people to know that I had/have anxiety and depression, but I’m not anymore. It’s not something I’m proud of and will paint on a billboard, but it’s a part of me. The stigma surrounding mental illness is what kept me from getting help for years. I still take medication, but I hope that’s not a forever thing, but if it is, that’s ok too. I’ve never done therapy, but thanks to medication and Jesus, I’m doing just fine.
I am very thankful that I have more good days than bad and I can’t even remember the last time I was in a funk or a had a few bad days. I’ve come a long way and I’m proud of myself and the progress I’ve made.
Being enough is an area where I’ve always struggled and I still have my doubts on occasion, but I’ve made huge strides. I’m not going to be the smartest, prettiest, skinniest, most talented, richest, ___-est, whatever, but I’m always going to be the ONLY and the BEST me. When I start to doubt myself, I think how Jesus died for me before He even knew me. Like, what?! That’s a mind blowing amount of love right there and I know He made me for a reason and that in His eyes, I am ALWAYS enough and that is more than enough to keep me going,
If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety and depression, please talk to someone or help them find someone to talk to. My solution was turning to Jesus and medication, but there’s not a one size fits all treatment for mental illness. Please know I am ALWAYS available to talk. I hate that other people have to go through what I did, but it has been such a help to talk to people who have been where I have and could really understand what I’m feeling. You can reach out to me via email (( firstname.lastname@example.org )) or on Instagram << @thehannahhardy >> Know you are not alone, that you are loved, you are wanted, you have a purpose and you are so much more than enough.
because of Him I am…I am still alive. I am saved. I am enough. I am me.
Please forgive me if this post is full of run-on sentences and grammatical errors. I’m usually a stickler for correct grammar, but this was more of a brain dump than anything. I would go back and read it and make corrections, but it’s late and I’m tired. TYSM for understanding.